This morning, I wrote the following and posted it to an email writing group I belong to:
I’ve found myself in situations where I just want to give it all away before, but every time that happened it was spurred on by depression, anger or some other upset in my life. Always in the back of my mind, I knew that “next week I’ll be back to normal”. This time is different. I don’t feel anything other than rested and content. I enjoyed my break over the Christmas and New Year period. I’m back at work now. Yet when I think about writing it brings up feelings of stress and distaste. Writing has become a chore and that is not a good thing.
I mentioned this on this website a few days ago, but it’s the first time I’ve acknowledged my feelings in the group. Anyway, my last paragraph in the post was as follows:
The anthology is the only thing holding me at the moment. I will not give up on that and I intend to see that project through to completion. Who knows, it might be that project that draws me back, but…I might find myself walking away from writing forever at the end of it. It’s not a possibility that I can or will rule out.
I used to love writing. I used to want to write at any spare moment I had. In fact, I used to make time when I didn’t really have it. I used to steal time because writing was what I wanted to do more than anything else. I loved loosing myself in wonderful worlds with great people and intriguing plots. The limits of what happened in those stories were only restricted by my imagination and I had a vivid imagination.
That started to change when I found the internet.
I learned a lot from the internet, and I made some great friends. My confidence grew, but I also began to lose the enthusiasm I previously had. Writing became a business. For those who want publication, there are rules to follow and I don’t care what anyone says about that. If you think there are no rules, then you’re kidding yourself. Anyway, with rules come restrictions and I guess my love of writing was dampened because of that. Sure, I could throw rules to the wind and write whatever I wanted, and some people would do that, but I’m a rule abiding citizen. I know the rules exist and that fact alone would have affected my writing.
However, I know it’s not the rules that have gotten to me. I believe I have just lost the desire to write. I’ve outgrown it. I’ve gone past it. It no longer interests me. What can I say? Hobbies come and go, but this was not a hobby for me. I felt passionate about writing and I was serious in my approach to it. Unfortunately, the passion has evaporated.