My entire adult life I’ve never had to go on a diet but I’ve always watched what I eat. I rarely eat between meals, we rarely have take away, we always use skim milk and I always have three meals a day. I only feel hungry when I’m bored; I’m aware of that and fight the urge to nibble (and I usually win). During this time my weight has stayed between 50 and 55 kg (except during my pregnancies, of course). It climbed to 58 kg once, but it was quick to fall back to my normal range.
Two years ago I had a hysterectomy and since then, even though I have not changed any of my eating habits, my weight has been steadily climbing. My jeans and skirts feel tight around the waist, the blouses and t-shirts I wear no longer feel comfortable yet whenever I complain about it I’m told that I look good. During this time, I’ve done one thing that I feel ashamed of…I have NOT weighed myself because I was afraid of the result.
Over recent months the weight gain has depressed me enough to go out and buy an exercise machine. Well, it was due to that machine that I discovered I have a blood disorder and I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to use the machine. I continue to complain, family and friends continue to say I look good – some say I look healthier and that “middle aged” people do gain weight. Hmmm, don’t call me “middle aged”. Hang on, I’m in my 40’s so I am. 🙁
Why do people lie? Does it make them feel happier knowing that my weight gain is making them look better?
Why do I say this? Today we went to my brother’s house and we were looking at photos of my son’s 18th birthday lunch. Not only did I get the biggest shock of my life at how “huge” I looked, everyone else didn’t even blink an eye when I showed my distaste at the sight of myself.
I’ve seen my own reflection in shop windows and have cringed, I’ve gone out and bought myself heaps of new clothes (in a larger size) so that I can feel comfortable again but still I haven’t weighed myself…until today!
I’m too embarrassed to tell you what I weigh and no matter how “good” other people think I look, I don’t feel good about myself. The reflection in the shop windows is not the reflection I feel comfortable with. Research tells me that for my height and bone structure I must lose 10kg, which will still mean that I weigh much more than I ever have in the past but it’s the middle age spread that needs taming. I’m not allowed to let my heart rate climb too high because my blood isn’t pumping through my body properly and I go dizzy within two minutes of strenuous exercise. I see stars when I’m doing nothing so what can I do? I can’t allow the weight to keep piling on, but what can I do to stop it?