There was a time in the not so distant past when I clearly remember believing paperbacks would always be my preferred reading source. I love books. I love reading. It’s the one thing I do constantly in my life and have done since I was a very young child. Books are important to me.

I love the feel of them. I love the smell of them. I love seeing them lined up in a book case, showing their vivid colours and inviting me to jump into their secret worlds. These things cannot be said about digital books.

I love walking into someone else’s home and viewing their books of choice scattered around the place. It hints at the type of person they are, the imagination they might have. It’s possible to spy reference books which tells you of that person’s interests too. And in moments of quiet, they allow you to point to a book and ask them about it … which may well lead to a very interesting conversation. Again, these things cannot be said about digital books.

I love walking into a book shop and browsing the shelves of unknown authors, never before seen covers. Picking them up and flipping them over to read the (hopefully) catchy blurb on the back. Will it intrigue me enough to want to read it? Or does it sound boring or too serious for me, which will make me put it back on the shelf? At the risk of repeating myself, this cannot be said about digital books.

Yet, with all this said and done, I can’t help but prefer to read books in digital format these days. In 2011 most of the books I read were digital. 2012 has only just started, but my reading list comprises of digital books only so far. I have a beautiful wooden bookcase in my bedroom, filled with wonderful books. I want to read them all. They deserve my time, but I feel pulled to my reading device.

It’s a small object really. Most people would lift an eye brow and scoff at reading on it. They mumble things like “small screen” and “eye strain” but I always assure them that the size of the screen is not noticed and I’ve never had eye strain whilst using it.

Perhaps it’s my personal circumstances that make reading this way more attractive. Our lounge room has no lighting except for a single lamp. Reading in the evening is difficult due to shadows across the pages. To avoid the shadow I must sit in an uncomfortable position. I’ve tried using a book lamp but it was more trouble than it was worth, to say the least. However, when I use my reading device I can sit anywhere I want, however I want because the backlight on the screen is just right (for me) for reading.

If I can’t sleep, I can sit in bed and read in comfort. If I want to sit in the garden, I can. I can read on the train, and can swap and change between books if I want to. I can take a selection of books with me on vacation or to work or to the hospital. There’s no weight, no storage problems. If there’s a power source, I can plug in and read. If not, the battery lasts for an entire week if all I’m doing is reading on the device.

I have purchased ebooks from online bookshops, but there is no personality and no feeling of belonging. Shopping in the virtual world is not as good as shopping in the physical world. I still want to browse books, pick them up and flick through the pages, read the blurb and make a decision. But I think when the decision is made I’d like to be able to go up to the counter and say I want the digital version.

Bookshops need to get with the times, and I believe this is starting to happen, but it’s not something I’ve seen for myself. Bookshops draw booklovers to them, so why not entice the booklover to walk out of the shop with a book in hand (be that paperback or digital). Instead of denying the existence of an ever changing world, merge with it and grow.

People will continue to buy printed books, but more and more people are swapping to digital reading. Once, I would have vocalised loudly about the need for paperbacks, but now I find myself vocalising more loudly about reading itself, not the format it’s done in.

Recently, I attended a seminar through my work place. I work for a Government organisation and they are always wanting us to ‘brush up’ on one procedure or another so imagine my shock when I discovered the seminar was about suicide awareness.

It is a shock to be sitting with a couple of dozen other people, several who you know well, and are confronted with a subject that is close to your heart. As soon as I realised what would be discussed, I welled up. The presenter, used to watching people’s actions and looking for ‘signs’, did not miss my instant reaction to her words. We were presented with video recreations of potential warnings … and all of them slapped me across the face and made my heart pound quicker. I watched as the mother on-screen missed her son’s call for help. Just like I did in real life. Is it any wonder I couldn’t speak, could hardly hold the tears back, was unable to stop the trembling?

The presenter announced a break and everyone left the room, except me. I was not able to speak aloud, so I whispered the fact that I had lost a son to suicide. Of course, she had already guessed that by my reaction. She thanked me for letting her know and told me I was free to leave the seminar, if I wanted to. I didn’t need to think about it.

I wanted to stay!

But I needed her to know why I would not be able to participate in active feedback within the seminar. She understood that I was struggling and asking me to speak would be my undoing. So, the seminar continued and I sat frozen faced and trembling in the middle of lots of people, but I felt as if I were struggling through a major upset … totally alone.

By the time the seminar was finished I was considered to be a qualified Care Assistant for the workplace. In truth, I spent most of the time focused inwards dealing with my own demons. Yes, I would be able to recognise (now) if someone was suicidal. And, yes, I would be able to ask the all important question, “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”. And, yes, I would be able to look after that person until help was at hand. I never needed the seminar for any of that. I’ve spent over five years learning the facts about suicide myself. But now I have a certificate to confirm it.

The reason I’m writing this post is because I thought I was doing OK. I thought I had moved passed the tears, but those few hours proved I am not doing as great as I thought and have not moved on from losing my son. I guess there will always be moments in my life that will bring the past slamming back into full focus. I suppose I’m better equipped for those moments now but it doesn’t mean they will be any easier to deal with.

Recently, a friend did a reading for herself and posted the result on Twitter, which included a link to an image. Of course, being noisy I followed the link and found three cards that were visibly pleasing. Without hesitation, I asked if it were possible for her to do a reading for me and she was happy to oblige.

Janette from Sweet Relief Coaching did a general reading for 2012 for me.

Here is the result:

Isis – past life or childhood fears and limiting beliefs. Time to move forward, you are strong. You can ask Isis for support.

Hathor – release guilt about receiving. Ask and allow for help or gifts. Full cycle requires giving AND RECEIVING. Honour it!

Isolt – your heart is healing swiftly. Be patient and get into nature. All your loving relationships are eternal & undying.

Be sure to click on the image to view the beautiful cards that were used for the reading. They are simply divine!

Janette did the reading late on New Year’s Eve, so I’ve had almost two days to think about what the cards might be telling me. My interpretation might be totally wrong as I do not know the cards well and I have done no research to find out more about them. But I have had some experience with other cards in the past and I believe if a message is delivered and the person it is delivered to ‘hears’ and/or ‘feels’ something at that time then it’s a good idea to listen.

My immediate response, the first time I read the meanings of the three cards, was an acknowledgement that I must let go of the things from my past that are holding me back – the hurts, the grief, the uncertainty. These things are limiting my enjoyment of life and may well stop me from grasping possibilities now and in the future. Letting go doesn’t mean I’m denying or forgetting my past, it means I’m cherishing the good things and accepting the bad. It means I’m moving forward with an open heart.

Asking for help is something that I’m learning to do, without feeling as guilty. My past feelings of unworthiness have always made me feel that no one will want to know my problems, let alone help me through them. As a result, I have become a bit of a hermit. But those feelings I grasped hold of are not true! After my son passed away, people stepped forward willingly. I found it difficult to open the door and let them in but it gets easier with time. If people don’t know you need help then how can they offer help?

Also acknowledged is the fact that my relationships are strong and ever lasting. And that, without going into more details, is comforting and something I needed to hear. Deep in my heart I know this to be true, but it’s something I needed to face ‘out loud’ (if that makes sense). I know that’s a bit cryptic, but some things you cannot write about publicly.

Finally, the reading reiterates something that I have been trying to achieve in my life over recent months. My thoughts have been somewhat tangled, but I have been thinking in terms of reaching out more and living life better. Isis, Hathor and Isolt have come together at the right time and may well give me the final push I need.

2012 can be a good year. Yes, bad things will happen. They always do. But good things happen too. It’s time to look forward, and look at the positive things (accepting the bad), and feel energised and whole.

It seems to be the ‘in thing’ to write about your favourite books for the past year. And who am I to go against the grain. Of course, your favourite books are not ones you’ve heard about or like the cover of, they are fiction books you’ve actually read.

Here is my list of favourite books for 2011:

1. Dragon Haven by Robin Hobb
2. Full Circle by Pamela Freeman
3. Hater by David Moody
4. A God-Blasted Land by Lee Carlon
5. The Broken Thing by Peter Swift

The first two books on my list are the final books in a series. It was difficult to determine which of the two would make it to the top of the list, but ultimately Hobb’s The Rain Wild Chronicles was read more recently so had a better imprint on my mind. The first two books of Freeman’s Castings Trilogy were read over two years ago and the story was not as vivid in my mind. However, having said that, both series were excellent and highly recommended.

The next book on the list, Moody’s Hater, was a good zombie type story that told of how our world (as we know it) might end tomorrow. I could relate to the main character and for that reason felt a strong connection to the story.

The fourth book on the list is Carlon’s A God-Blasted Land, which is a post-apocalyptic story. It’s a story where the characters ‘spoke’ to me and I loved the unexpected twists and turns.

And, last but not least, is Swift’s The Broken Thing, which is a scary story for younger readers. I love reading books for younger people and this book appealed to me from the moment I saw it.

I’d like to point out at this stage that I am not a fast reader, but I do consider myself to be an avid reader. I read most days, even if it’s only a couple of pages. I’d love to read more and faster, but that’s just not me.

I would also like to point out that I will read books by any author – well known, unknown, big publisher printed, indie printed. It makes no difference to me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not about how famous the author is, it’s all about the story and what it does for the reader. And two books on my list are written and released by the author. Those two books were more enjoyable (for me) than some of the ‘big names’ I read this year, such as Terry Pratchett and Cornelia Funke.

Before I end this post, I’d like to give an honourable mention to one other book – Write the Fight Right by Alan Baxter. It’s a short non-fiction book on how to write fight scenes and it’s written especially well and gives the reader the confidence to write the fight right.

That’s my list of favourite fiction books for 2011. What are yours?

Actually, ET never left, it just started behaving itself. ET, of course, stands for Essential Thombocytosis. But you knew that, right?

Back in July 2010, I wrote a post called The Disorder Has a Name. The disorder is a blood disorder I have and Essential Thombocytosis is its name.

I’ve been on medication for 18 months and for the first 12 months it seemed the medication was working. However, over the past six months my blood test results have been coming back with unsatisfactory numbers. And those numbers are steadily climbing. If you want to talk in numbers, here are my stats. My normal was always around 150. Prior to going on to the medication I was up to 790. After taking the medication I went down to an acceptable 435. My last test had me at 650 and when I have my next test in a couple of weeks, I know it number will be higher. I can feel it!

The worst thing is the headaches. Every day. All the time. Sometimes tolerable, mostly not. I have to grin and bear it because pain killers do nothing to ease the discomfort. Then there’s the tingling in my feet and that swollen feeling. They probably are swollen, of course, but I can no longer tell. I just ensure I do foot exercises on a regular basis to ensure my circulation improves. Although there are other side affects, the only other one I’ll mention is the tiredness. Extreme, totally exhausted fatigue. Not able to drag myself out of bed fatigue. Mind numbing, not able to concentrate fatigue. It totally sucks.

Yeah, that’s ET for you. It’s something that will never go away so I guess I’ll have to find a way to push it aside and not let it take over my life. But, honestly, sometimes it’s extremely hard to smile, let alone pretend I care, especially when my head feels as if it’s about to split open to release some alien.

Sorry, I’m feeling a bit down today. I’ll get over it and carry on as normal before a blink of an eye. Almost.

It was an honour to be interviewed by Ripping Ozzie Reads in the last few days. Being a quiet person by nature, I feel totally “out in the open” right now. It feels strange to bring my personal life and writing life together and just be me for a change, to share the emotional journey through to the end result – Hope.

Each day brings a smile to my face when I discover another book (or two) has been sold. It makes the long hours and sometimes stressful times totally worth it. Finally, I feel like I have done something worthwhile and will help other families avoid the loss I endured. My deepest gratitude goes to everyone who made this possible.

Hope is beginning to make an appearance on the world wide web. It is now available in paperback and ebook versions on Amazon and will soon be available through other online bookstores.

I’ve always loved musicals. The music speaks to me and fills me with magical wonder. It draws me into the setting and allows me to be someone else for a short while. My family often grin at the mention of musicals and tell me that my eyes almost sparkle and I have a ‘child-like’ expression of excitement.

On Saturday I went to see Mary Poppins, the stage show. It was brilliant! It’s the first stage show I’ve seen … in … well … several decades! When I was a kid my parents were friends with several couples who were part of a theatrical group. They put on numerous shows over the years. I can vaguely remember a few – Fiddler on the Roof, Carousel, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Hair and, of course, Mary Poppins.

Back then, the shows were in a small hall and the kids sat on the floor. When I think about it now, it’s amazing we could see anything. The theatre group did the best they could with what they had. It was often gritty and imperfect, but we always enjoyed ourselves. Afterwards, everyone would congregate (the kids would play while the parents consumed a glass or two of wine) before going home. They are good memories.

As you can see my previous experiences with stage shows has been limited to … I don’t want to say unprofessional, but compared to what I saw on Saturday, it seems almost the right word. Saturday’s performance was definitely professional, amazing, and I’m sure I had a sparkle in my eye.

I went with my mother. She’s a young 74 year-old. We sat side-by-side and it warmed my heart when I heard Mum gasp with pleasure. At one stage she grabbed my arm and said, “Karen, did you see that? It’s magic!” And I believe she really thought it was and I was willing to believe it myself. I found myself smiling like a fool, or maybe I was smiling like a delighted child. Who knows? Who cares? The cast were brilliant. The singing was great. And the theatrical effects were outstanding. Mum and I were whisked away and shared a magical experience together which will stay with me forever.

I’ve been missing out on something good in the world. I don’t intend to wait so long before I see another stage show.

Mary Poppins is highly recommended and if I had a star system available this one would receive 5 out of 5 stars.

The current unit is hard, taxing on the brain, challenging. My initial thought, “this will be easy!” was totally incorrect. So far, this unit has proved I’m not only stupid, but I’m incredibly slow.

Talk about falling flat on your face! I’ve done that and it hurts.

My vocabulary is shot – and, by the way, I can’t even say the word out loud without stumbling. I’ve been advised to read the dictionary more often. And then, at work, I’m told I’m too quiet and must stand up and speak out more often (in fact, to back this up, my team leader has informed me that I’ll be ‘heading’ the next meeting…brilliant!)

These situations have done nothing to improve my confidence. However, I’m not a quitter (well, not for long anyway) and I have forged ahead with the unit (I’m hoping my team leader will forget his threat about the meeting). I’m still only half way through the unit but I’ve written the required short fiction. Literary fiction! Again, I feel out of my depth. I write genre fiction, not literary (yet another word that doesn’t come to my lips easily).

The course tells me literary fiction is easy to write, genre fiction is difficult. Sorry, my experience is the other way around. Anyway, I was required to fictionalise an event from my past. Luckily, I have five decades of the past to choice from so it was easy to come up with ‘an event’ that could be made to sound more interesting than it actually was.

I finished the story yesterday, so on Monday I’ll return to the unit and see if I can move forward with it, at last.

In other news, the final edits of the manuscripts for Hope have been done and the stories will be submitted by the end of next week. And, a new printer has been found in Australia and contracts have been signed. This is an exciting time, but it also means my work load will double in coming weeks so don’t be surprised if I disappear for a while.

OK, my whinging session is over. You can go back to what you were doing now.