I’ve been working behind the scenes on this website (on and off) all day. Admittedly, there isn’t a lot to show for it, but that doesn’t mean nothing has happened. In fact, I’m pleased with the progress I’ve made and, if you’re observant, you may even notice a couple of the changes that have been made. If you haven’t noticed, than that’s cool (you weren’t really meant to).

The decision has been made. I will be setting myself up as a sole trader and starting a small business. This week has seen me deep within the pages of a number of websites – researching – thanks to the help of horror writer, Alan Baxter. (Thanks, Alan.)

This time last week I knew nothing about business. Today, I have a general understanding of what will be expected of me. Tomorrow (read that as “sometime in the near future”) I’ll be walking the walk and talking the talk. It’s an exciting but scary thought.

My game plan is to do it right! I’m not going to rush into things. I’m going to take on the “slow and steady wins the race” attitude. I’ve been brainstorming business names and have settled, tentatively, on a name. I have searched the necessary databases to find out if anyone else has registered the name; they haven’t. I have done a search on the internet to see if a website exists using that name; it doesn’t. I have researched obtaining ISBN numbers, library catalogue numbers, tax requirements, proper copyright notices, State library requirements, small business accounting needs and much more. Once I had a better understanding how everything worked, the decision became a lot easier to make.

All further plans have been put on hold until I have a business name registered and an ABN number approved. Once that happens, I’ll set up a trading account and the accounting software and then I can move forward with getting my books published.

I can see it all clearly in my mind…where I’m heading and where I want to be. Did I mention this is exciting and scary at the same time? Well, it is. This is the biggest step I’ve taken on my writing journey to date. This is the step that will announce “I’m serious!”

No, I have not fallen into a black hole. Yes, I am still writing (even though the progress bars in the sidebar are not moving). So what have I been doing? The last few months have seen me more focused on writing than I have been in some time.

My progress with Whispering Caves was going quite well. However, writing in first person presented a problem where I couldn’t present vital information as the main character had no way of knowing about it (or finding out about it). I came up with a solution, but am not convinced it is working that well. Having written 15,000 words, I must admit that the manuscript has been placed on the back burner, once again. I’m not entirely happy with this decision, but feel I should be moving forward on other completed projects before finishing this one.

The reason I’ve put the manuscript on the back burner is due to another decision I’ve made about my Cat’s Series (for young readers). There are four books in the series. Two have been written and edited. The other two have been planned, but need writing. As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve decided to publish this series of books myself.

At present, I’m trying to decide if I want to set up a publishing company (small press) or find out if there are other options that would be more suitable for my situation. I’m usually quite resourceful, but have had little luck finding any good information on what options are available to me. This may mean the options are limited, but I want to make an informed decision so I’ll keep searching.

Ideally, setting up a business would be great except I have no knowledge how to go about it or what it entails afterwards and this scares me…a lot! In fact, my own fear is holding me back from taking further steps and this not only annoys me, but frustrates me too.

In the meantime, I’ve been working on covers for the four books. As I’m not an artist, I’ve decided to go with a theme that will cover (excuse the pun) the entire series. The background colours will be bright, the main image will promote the essence of the series and then there will be another image that will be unique to each book. Books 2 and 3 are done, but I’m having a devil of a time with the cover of book 1 – Cat’s Eyes. I’ve been to many royalty free websites and have not found anything suitable. I have used family photos of my own cats to try and achieve a pair of cat’s eyes that would be right, but haven’t come up with the right look yet. A simple pair of black eyes on a transparent background, at a size suitable for cover artwork, will not defeat me!

That’s what I’ve been doing – artwork, editing, refining plans for the unwritten books, writing blurbs, researching and reading websites regarding indie authors, thinking about formats and publication. All these things are writing related.

If you know of any resources that may help me, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

At 1.30pm today I will disconnect the internet, turn off the phone and return to writing Whispering Caves (after a two week break due to illness). I will be home alone. There will be no distractions. And I will ignore the headache I’ve got, because I’m used to working through those now.

I want to write and I will write! Nothing will stop me.

This morning, I have surfed the internet, played games and faffed about doing silly things. I have attempted to get everything out of my system so that the quiet writing time I will have this afternoon will be totally focused.

I have even gone to numerous writer’s websites purely for inspiration. And there’s so much to be had. It’s wonderful. But the place I found the most inspiration today was The Clarity of Night website, where a competition is being hosted at the moment. The entries are in and readers are being asked to cast their votes. There’s over 70 entries but as they are flash fiction the entries don’t take long to read and I found myself reading them. All of them. I also found myself enjoying and being inspired by quite a few. Eventually, I decided that since I’d put the time into reading all the entries, I should cast a vote because it was the right thing to do. I want the authors of the entries I really enjoyed to receive points in the competition. I want them to know that someone appreciated their efforts. I want to add at the time that I’ve never been to the website before so I’m not associated with it in any way.

Reading the short pieces of flash fiction helped me get into the zone today. But as I read the pieces I came to realise that my preferences are clear – I like dialogue in writing, I’m not keen on all narrative pieces. That is the case when reading longer pieces too. I sway towards books with plenty of dialogue, I enjoy them so much more. But all readers are different. I know that. Writing is always about finding balance in our work. Writers can always appeal to all sorts of readers if they can just find the right balance. Easier said than done.

But enough faffing. Right now, I need to make myself lunch and a cup of tea. In just over half an hour I will open my manuscript and will be dragged into a fantasy world where lives are at risk, love is blossoming, secrets are being kept and the past and present meet. I can’t wait to get there.

Last week I wrote a post admitting that due to illness I had not written a word all week. Unfortunately, due to the same reason, the situation remains the same and no more words have been written. However, I am feeling slightly better now and there will be a short time tomorrow when I’ll be home alone so I plan to remedy my two wordless weeks then.

Readers who visit here often will know I have a blood disorder. Today, I learned exactly what that disorder is. It is called Essential Thrombocytosis. I’ve had the disorder for some months now and I think it strange that I only now find out the name of it and what it is. In fact, the circumstances behind this happening is complex (which I’m not going to share) but a young, inexperienced doctor has given me more information in the past two days than a seasoned specialist has shared with me in five years.

Anyway, I’m over that side of things. Let’s move on.

Essential Thrombocytosis is a rare chronic blood disorder caused by an over-production of platelets by a certain dysfunctional bone marrow cell. I believe the medication used to treat the disorder puts the patient at risk of contracting leukeamia after long-term use. Due to this, the patient must be strictly monitored to ensure red blood levels do not drop too severely. Of course, side affects are also a worry.

My immune system has been thrown off balance and the last two weeks has seen me trying to fight two infections and it looks as if I can look forward to battling the flu in the near future (next few days). This doesn’t account for all the illnesses I’ve endured in the last 10 days, but as I’m starting to feel much improved I can push the memory of those other things aside and hope they don’t return any time this century!

The difference between today and yesterday is enormous. Yes, I do feel a little better, but the biggest relief came from being told two words – Essential Thrombocytosis. Just knowing the name of what I have has taken some of the strain away. Now I know what it is, I know what it can do and I know what needs to be done. Yesterday, I knew none of these things…and it was stressful. Today, I can start preparing a battle plan to start getting better.

I’ve got a plan and that plan includes thinking about book covers. I look at them and try to work out what works and what doesn’t (for me). All readers are different, so what feels good to me might be a complete turn off for you, but that’s life.

With this in mind, I set out to find book covers, lots of them and I found the Book Cover Archive. It’s a perfect place to look when book covers are on your mind. There are pages and pages of them. It’s easy to see what colours work well together and those that don’t. It’s easy to decide if minimal is the best option, and also when busy is perfect. It’s great for learning about layouts and fonts and images too. When I look at them, I know instantly which ones I’d pick up and the ones I wouldn’t waste my time on.

Yes, book covers are on my mind. My only regret is that I can’t draw or paint or do anything slightly creative in that sense. But does that mean I can’t make a good cover? I hope not because I’ll be needing one or more soon.

I’ve decided to publish my cat’s series. Books 1 and 2 are written, but will need another edit before I move into the next stage of my plan. Books 3 and 4 are planned, but need to be written. The target audience is 9 to 12 year olds, so I’ll need colourful covers that will appeal to that age group. Oh how I wish I could draw because I know what I want but can’t think of a way to get it without it being drawn.

Stay tuned for further updates as I move along the indie publishing road.

I’ve discovered another informative website – Publetariat.

If you click on the “Publish” tab, you’ll find a long list of articles that could steal several hours of your time. I read a few of them and intend to read more. But this post is related to one of the articles Setting Stories Free…For Free.

If you read the article, you’ll discover the author has been giving away free stories for nine years and she intends to continue doing so. Over the years she received a lot of flack over it, but that made no difference. Then, near the end of the article, she tells how she also has seven best sellers since 2005. No wonder she didn’t/doesn’t listen to the flack. What she’s doing is working in her favour, why should she stop doing it?

This is a great example of someone who made a decision and stuck with it. It’s also an example of how giving something away for free can lead to a readership that will support you when you publish too. But what I liked best about the article is that it gives a clear message of determination wins through, which is encouraging as we sometimes get disillusioned on this long journey.

Health: Due to ongoing health problems, I haven’t had much to say on the internet. I’ve been too caught up in … pain, to be honest. However, the intense pain (headaches mainly) seem to be subsiding, leaving me with niggly pains that I am able to cope with. I find I’m clearer minded now and able to think about things. This means I’m feeling more positive and able to get things done.

Writing: Apart from this week (but the week isn’t over yet, so maybe I’ll still get some words down), I’ve been writing about 2,000 words a week for Whispering Caves. I think that’s a great achievement, considering what I’ve been through. Anyway, I’ve hit the 15,000 word mark. It is the first draft and I already know the first edit/rewrite is going to be a major one, but that’s OK.

Website: Some slight changes have been made, mainly to the navigation bar above. The home page will change on the weekend, when I have time to code what I’ve already got planned in my head. More on that at a later date.

Personal: I recently wrote a post about feeling isolated. This was written after several weeks of very little sleep and intense pain. Now that I’m feeling a bit more on top of things I’ve been thinking about what I wrote then and what I feel now and have decided that the house is important to my future security. It’s something I’ve strove for for a long time and I would be wrong (and stupid) to let it go without a fight. With this in mind, I think it’s time for me to “embrace” my decision to move to the new location and plan a future there. This may mean finding a new job in the area — even a part time job, if I can’t find a full time position — so that I get my life back. Until now, I have been holding on to my current job because I dreamed I’d be able to move back to the old location. But I’ve never been able to afford there. I can’t see why that will change now or in the future.

More on Writing: I’ve made a decision to do with the Cat’s Series (chapter books for 9 to 12 year olds). I won’t go into details now, but I’m excited about where I intend to go with these manuscripts. Stay tuned for announcements.

Sometimes I laugh at my own wit. Not often, mind you, because I’m told my sense of humour is sick – and that doesn’t mean great and wonderful, it means the old fashion “sick” (totally rotten). But I think the people who say that are all weird in the head.

Anyway, let me get back on track. Today, I want to talk about health — my health, in particular — and the wonderful (sometimes misguided) science of medication.

Three months ago, I felt fine. A bit tired maybe and I had a few headaches, but nothing I couldn’t cope with. Then I had a niggling feeling in what looked like a scratch on my face, so I went to the doctor. It’s been all downhill from there.

I had to have a biopsy done on that scratch, which turned out to be a skin cancer. Better out than in, as they say. Now I have a lovely scar under my eye but at my stage of life, I don’t care about that.

When I visited the doctor, after a brief whack over the knuckles for not following up on a blood disorder I have, he ordered me to have a ton of blood taken and tested. So then I had a scar on my face (at that time it was a black eye too) and a huge bruise on my arm where they took the blood. No problem. I’m passed being chosen for Ms World, so what does it matter?

The results were not good, so the doctor sent me to a specialist. The specialist also gave me a whack over the knuckles and then told me to have more tests. One of them was a bone marrow test. Still no problem. Black eye and scar on my face, large yellowing bruise on my arm and now a hole in my back followed by a reaction to the dressing which left a messy rash there too (which is still clearing up).

Still not satisfied, the specialist puts me on medication. Now, I know it was necessary. I’m in a high danger zone for a stroke. I’m having the warning signs on a daily basis. Medication is necessary. I know that. But…

The medication makes me drowsy.

Great, I think to myself. I’ll take it at night and will sleep better, which in turn will make me feel better.

Wrong!

Correction, the medication makes me drowsy for two hours and then I’m wide awake staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night. Let’s do the math. I go to bed at 9.30pm because I have to get up so early in the morning. I sleep for two hours, which means I wake up at 11.30pm and remain awake for the rest of the night.

Not good.

I continued on with my life. Getting up and going to work, even though I’d only had two hours sleep. This was fine to begin with but sleep deprivation has a way of playing with the mind. After ten nights, I started feeling exhausted and this in turn made me feel other things. Apart from the obvious – feeling worthless and having bad thoughts – suddenly I didn’t care about anything (myself, my job, my house…everything, really). And on top of this, the headaches intensified due to the lack of sleep.

Something had to change.

I approached my bosses and told them what was happening. Then I told them that I would no longer take the medication at night. I intended to take them at work. Their eyes widened, but, hey, I’m backed into a corner and have no other options. I know it. They know it. I can’t continue to have virtually no sleep as depression is setting in and who knows where that will lead. On Thursday, I took my tablets at 8.30am. By 9am my brain had disconnected and I felt like an alien on a strange planet. I couldn’t think yet I was meant to be working. My speech was slurred yet I was meant to be answering the phone. I got extremely upset, because this medication is meant to lessen the risk of stroke, yet how am I supposed to function when I’m taking it? And this is long term, not for just a couple of weeks!

Anyway, by 10am, I felt my brain reconnect and I started functioning as a human again, but in slow motion. By 10.40am I was pretty much back to normal. In the afternoon, when I usually feel like a siesta, I was wide eyed and happily working my butt off.

I sleep well that night.

On Friday morning, I did the same thing. I had the same experience. As the people I work for and with know my situation, they just stayed away from me until my brain reconnected. Luckily, the phone didn’t ring, so I didn’t embarrass myself there.

But is this a life I want? Is this what I can look forward to in the future? Yes, I can now sleep a lot better. That is better for my mental health, so maybe as I catch up on the sleep I’ve missed, I’ll be more able to cope with the situation. However, I’m not allowed to be stressed but I have to be a zombie at work for an hour or so, which makes me stress.

I return to see the specialist in two weeks. He will be told what’s happening and hopefully he will offer a solution to the problem, or maybe my body will grow used to it. I don’t care which of these things happen, all I know is that I don’t want to be a zombie for two hours each and every day. I have enough trouble being a human!

So, yes, I make myself laugh over my own wit at times. But it’s good that I can laugh. I need it. Seriously, I really need it. And the ups and downs (quite literally) of my medication will have me laughing all the way to a mental institution, if I’m not careful.

Fifteen months ago, I moved away. Away from everything and everyone I knew. Away from my place of work, my family, my friends and the city that I called home. And in some ways, I moved away from civilisation. I did it for no other reason than to buy a house because houses are too expensive, way beyond my means, in the city I moved away from. In the new place, houses are cheap, but that is because there are no jobs in the area.

In order to survive I have to commute to work. Four hours a day, five days a week. In turn, this means I get up at 5am and I get home at 7pm. In winter, it is dark when I leave my new home and dark when I return. All year round, the shops are shut when I leave in the morning and shut when I arrive home. Being a small town, the shops in the new town only open for a couple of hours on Saturday morning. They don’t open at all on a Sunday. And…I work too far away from shops to be able to visit them at lunchtime.

Apart from my immediate neighbours, who I’ve heard more than seen, I don’t even know what the people in my street look like, let alone anything else about them. We have no friends in the area and don’t have a hope of making any with the hours I keep, and the exhaustion I feel.

I feel so tired in the evenings when I get home I don’t have the energy to do anything for myself. Nothing that might relax me, nothing I enjoy. No internet, no writing, no reading, no knitting. Nothing except eat dinner, wash up, make lunch for the next day and then sit in front of the TV for an hour before going to bed. I sleep, if I can, then wake up and do it all over again.

I wanted to buy a house for security. Security for the future – for when I’m old. G didn’t care one way or the other, but it meant a lot to me. It was something that consumed me, worried me.

Now I’m buying a house. It’s what I wanted, needed, dreamed about.

So imagine G’s shock when I told him recently that I’m not happy. He was genuinely gob smacked and G always has plenty to say! When he asked me why all I could say is that I feel totally isolated from everything – especially family and friends. The isolation is so bad that I even feel isolated on the internet. I find myself withdrawing from community networks, from blogging, from life. I feel myself sinking into depression. I have nothing to say because I do very little apart from travel, work and sleep. On the weekend, I don’t want to travel to see familiar faces because I’ve done too much travelling during the week. Besides, I never spend time at home and I want to get to know the place.

Depression is an ugly thing. It takes hold and won’t let go. It takes the remaining bits of energy away as well as any motivation I might have to do anything. Just as bad are the thoughts such as “what’s the point” which crowd my mind all too often.

I’ve become adept at hiding my feelings and carrying on regardless. But I spent over a decade of married life pretending everything was all right, when it wasn’t. I spent at least two years after the death of my son pretending I was coping, when I wasn’t. I don’t want to spend the next ten years pretending I made the right choice, when I fear I haven’t.

On top of this, I have the added burden of health issues. I’m not allowed to be stressed. I’m in danger of having a stroke. I sleep little. I’m suffering terrible headaches at least three times a week and recently I had a headache for an entire week. And not “just” a headache, it was very much like a migraine, but an ongoing, never ending one that went day and night for 8 days. None of this does anything to make my depressed state any better.

What do I do? Sell up and move back to the city? Hold tight and hope my health improves and with it my mental state of mind too?

There are no jobs where I’m living and I can’t afford not to work. But if I sell up I’ll be back where I started. If I don’t sell up, I have to find a way to combat the isolation problem before I lose motivation permanently.

What do I do? I don’t want to look back on this time in ten years and regret my decision. I don’t want to think, “If only I’d hung on” or “If only I’d sold up”, but what’s the right decision? What’s the best thing to do?

Oh my God, I have no idea!

This website is a personal diary where I record the things I’m interested in — namely writing, reading, genealogy, knitting and a few other minor activities such as computer programs and operating systems, and game playing such as Playstation.

At times, the website will be dominated by one of these topics more than the others. At other times, I’ll go relatively quiet because I haven’t got much to say at the time. Lately there’s been a run on computer and knitting topics because I’ve been using both of these things to help me relax as my blood specialist tells me I must not get stressed. Easier said than done.

You may have also noticed the new writing progress bar I’ve added to the sidebar. In fact, it’s not new, I’ve used it before but for some reason that I can’t remember I moved away from it. Now that I’m writing again — yes, I am writing amongst all the other stuff — I thought the bar would be a good indicator how I’m going even though I may not be talking about writing much. It’s also a good motivator for me, as I like seeing the numbers climb higher and will strive to make it keep happening.

I will give a proper writing update tomorrow.